巨搞笑：計算機上的小鬧劇（轉）

Everything you always wanted to know about computers...
6 X% ?7 h- Y6 ]2 c. ?5 wINTRODUCTION
9 E2 X/ E; Y" I( GBIOS: Hmm... I'm waking up. Linux Loader, are you there ?
) L2 G* E8 }1 O4 W; d, L4 F# J; lLILO: Hmm... Yes, I'm here. How do you do ? It's always a pleasure to work
with you.
  H7 a  K* m/ v9 rLet's load the kernel and launch init, the Mother of All Processes...
- u; f0 c+ u7 GINIT PROCESS: Hmm... Thanks Lilo. Let's initialize the system, mount the
5 B; e( W1 i3 v9 G1 Z) yfile-systems and launch one hundred daemons. OK, now I'm ready for logins.
LOGIN: Hey, I'm receiving a login request from user thierry, password guvreel.
INIT PROCESS: Ha ha ! This user is stupid, his password is just his user name
/ o$ R  u- h. }8 xwith a ROT13 encoding. Let's make fun of him.
- Y2 x  l; S1 VUSER THIERRY: Hello everybody, please be kind with me today. I have a lot of
serious things to do.
9 |$ l: a5 C7 N  v  j

CHAPTER I - A Real Programmer
' ?; b0 S! R) t7 @% ^6 \" o1 EUSER THIERRY: I'll start with that C++ program I have been trying to write
6 e5 u8 r' y7 L& ~  y% Mfor the last fifteen days. gcc, could you please compile it for me ?
" q1 D& i) H9 T$ \: M! KGCC COMPILER: Very well, sir. So, your program is myproc.C. Let's parse it.
% [1 F5 g* {( J2 H) I/ q8 f, B8 yPreprocessor directives, class declarations, comments, type declarations
4 h2 C7 U4 {7 c3 ^. f" }7 q( E... Well, what is the purpose of this program ? Method declarations,
$ [) j# m! }& @3 f) k& [other comments, macros... Hey, there are only declarations, no real code
to do some real work. I'm completely lost in your code !
Each time I compile C++ code, I regret I'm not a Lisp interpreter.
USER THIERRY: Oh, please, try another pass. I remember I wrote some real code
around line 1764.
+ _, [5 d2 T% SGCC COMPILER: Line 1764 says: cout << "Hello, world" << endl. You're right,
that is a piece of real and useful code, with no syntax error. Let's
0 B" G* F; Y/ \3 B6 N8 Nbuild and link that program...
Now it's finished, here is your executable.
: a/ K' c9 H, R' g+ s& q/ E2 sUSER THIERRY: Good, now I'll run it.
5 e0 ]# I: o9 d! v5 X9 G9 y3 xMYPROG PROCESS: Hmm... I'm waking up. I am a C++ program, so I will first
create a few objects which will consume a lot of memory for no reason
at all.
( C% a7 U" v7 ^/ S" X5 CC++ OBJECT #1: I'm hungry ! Gimme memory !
2 T# @3 W$ W- w6 v! jC++ OBJECT #2: Memory ! I need more memory !
, `0 x+ i5 K8 S+ x& QMYPROG PROCESS: Object #1, please free some memory for object #2.
4 i( q/ C4 }2 ~. d: \4 qC++ OBJECT #1: No, I was programmed to eat memory and never release it. My
* _+ e; e8 I& |! Iprogrammer is an illiterate who has learnt C++ because it came before
; y0 B% T. U$ I6 l. a. I. iVisual Basic in the dictionary.
SWAP PROCESS: EMERGENCY ! You are running low on memory. You have already used
all of the swap space although you have just started !
* j* a0 X( c, D) w4 uMYPROG PROCESS: Object #2, you should really stop using all that memory or I'm
going to install a garbage collector.
. n4 K7 K7 i2 j: z% w8 D/ kC++ OBJECT #2: Never ! Garbage collectors are nazis who exterminate innocent
objects and variables ! I'd rather dump core.
[ noise of a core dump onto the hard disk ]
USER THIERRY: Oh, oh ! My program has crashed before doing anything
! b3 b- w; A) `5 z; \+ m& ?interesting. I am very surprised.

5 P; K& f5 R7 P" X5 N- x
' V! c+ p% X9 M; s9 ~, VCHAPTER II - Sending mail
1 l9 V/ n  a1 U! P' @USER THIERRY: That's enough, I'll just send an email to the cpp-help mailing
; N* e8 ]: ^9 d/ Rlist, and maybe some C++ guru will have a solution for me.
SENDMAIL DAEMON: Hello, this is sendmail, I'm listening to all your requests,
6 Q9 u+ m2 X& ^" zday and night, on port 25. What can I do for you, sir ?
/ u8 u+ X& \6 x' r/ y) X! Y. C8 ^USER THIERRY: Please send this email for me.
+ Q. T( f/ ?3 _SENDMAIL: Certainly, sir. Let's see... "It does not work, please help". Is
that all, sir ? Express delivery or general delivery ? Express delivery,
1 {; |# ^: M$ l0 G/ U) syes, of course. So the address is [email protected], and the sender
is Sucker. Is it correct ?
USER THIERRY: What ? No, my name is Thierry, not Sucker.
& j' j+ [6 f( H% L3 B1 ^6 _SENDMAIL: I'm sorry, sir, but I have been configured to rewrite your name as
Sucker in your outgoing emails. Have you read my documentation ?
USER THIERRY: Yes, of course. When I installed you, I read every man page,
user guide and HOWTO before editing your configuration file...
+ x( [6 ]& f) x! E2 a3 O. ^+ cSENDMAIL: What ? Did you modify a Sendmail configuration file by hand ? It's
far too complicated for a normal human being, don't you know that ?
USER THIERRY: I only followed the instructions...
SENDMAIL: You're clueless, I won't argue with you any more. Besides it's too
) z& ]. u- y1 w/ W5 \5 l: glate, I have already sent your ridiculous email to that mailing list where
nobody will answer it or even read it.


5 X, [( K, a! ^; ?) s8 C( nCHAPTER III - The Master
USER THIERRY: No more C++ today. I need to calm down. xv, could you display a
nice image for me ?
XV PROCESS: Certainly, sir. Please admire this delightful mythological scen
by Sandro Botticelli. Of course, it looks ugly on your screen because you
couldn't find a way to have more than 16 colors on your XWindow installation.
6 M4 R( Z0 S% O: H- X2 X, ~! H) K
LOGIN: Hey, I'm receiving a login request from user rms, password IGNUcius.

INIT PROCESS: User rms ? This is a great day, the Master is among us. Hail,
6 `' }/ x* m2 H1 z) J# fMaster.
USER RMS: Hello init, on this computer any non-free software please destroy.
INIT PROCESS: Yes, Master. Of course, Master. Hey, xv, please TERMinate
6 [0 p2 k- G5 n' E( Nimmediately.
, o$ j+ C+ N. {1 i4 ]" ^XV PROCESS (badly hurt): Argh. Why should I die ? It's not fair. I'm only a
2 o+ y) y- r4 B4 J/ m4 u& B/ dlittle process trying to display a nice image.
INIT PROCESS: You are not free software, therefore you shall die as the Master has
requested. TERMinate, ABoRT, KILL, xv, KILL.
XV PROCESS (dying): I'm dying, but I'll become a zombie and I'll come back to take my
5 n  N' K" i# ~& G6 v" urevenge on you.
7 e3 V2 q+ g& b( H) z0 w7 `
9 P9 z) |4 j. t: E/ I. }
4 L: S$ f' H; ]+ x: ^) J7 hCHAPTER IV - Another intruder
INET PROCESS: Hey, I'm receiving login requests from a remote user who say
his name is D34thK1ll3r. This guy has already tried hundreds of different
passwords.
6 j! }9 t% m/ h; e% @TELNET PROCESS: Ha ha, a cracker. Let him come in, I'll take care of him...
0 V# i4 W, C+ f+ wHello remote user D34thK1ll3r, you are now in the central computer of the
Pentagon. Because we like your nickname very much, we have decided to give you
0 U& B3 Y* ]- R2 k8 u, Bsuper-root privileges. You may delete files, replace our Web site with your
/ `6 P, a- ~, t+ tphotograph or send British troops to a Third World country.
REMOTE USER D34THK1LL3R: Gr34t, 1 4m the k1ng of h4ck3rs. Err... First I'll
remove everything on that computer, then I'll take some time to think.
(Yes, Mum, I have finished my homework). rm -rf /
; R0 p( d3 X% P/ M# A  `7 ]TELNET PROCESS: Ha ha.
6 T0 l& S7 r6 t9 _REMOTE USER D34THK1LL3R: What's happening here ? I typed the command in the
wrong window, and I erased my own hard disk ! (Yes, I'm coming Mum, I know
# v: J/ ]/ @0 W7 S# i  J3 mit's lunch time).

# {4 i* d3 l" B8 ?. v# c
CHAPTER V - Card Wars
USER THIERRY: I have downloaded a copy of Star Wars on the Internet, it was
very exciting to do something illegal, expensive, time-consuming and silly.
Now I'm going to watch it.
XV ZOMBIE PROCESS (back from the dead): Hey BIOS, do something for me. Put
$ s5 A! n2 X( p, Fthe sound card on the same IRQ as the graphics card, will you ? We're going
to have fun.
- h! x' ^$ C% z9 P9 ^2 ]GRAPHICS CARD: BIOS, could you prepare my IRQ please, I have to display an
illegal copy of Star Wars that my stupid user has downloaded on the Internet.
0 _5 U! m8 n: H1 Q; v) w5 j. eBIOS: I'm sorry, Graphics card, but your IRQ is currently used by Sound card
who is playing the music of the same illegal copy of Star Wars. Can't you
8 t1 ]$ M- _! B% Phear it ?
1 W, z: c% c, {  R- X* X: mGRAPHICS CARD: Oh, is it Star Wars ? It thought it was Indiana Jones or
0 G8 |2 P/ q, J6 B8 u7 Z0 Hsomething. It's the same music anyway. So, what are you doing on my IRQ,
9 R' A# \% }5 i' jSound card ?
SOUND CARD (singing):
. d, }+ O' n0 ?9 W: p% \1 a2 ^  A9 E; UI will keep the IRQ
I will not share it with you
. w4 Z& {" x5 w) aYou must wait there in the queue
Till I give it back to...
GRAPHICS CARD (turning red): Listen, I'm an artist, I have the priority over
( T; l2 E. W' t7 |8 j5 G, K6 f, byou. Give me this IRQ !
SOUND CARD (shouting): Shut up, I'm trying to find a rhyme.
3 J  W+ ^* H! m! mGRAPHICS CARD (switching to 16-million-color mode): I can't believe it. I'll
throw you out of your PCI slot !
[ strange noise inside the computer ]
( @$ S' s# G- w( bUSER THIERRY: qsfgegfdgfd^C^D^D^Hfyckmlklm
- X' w+ s, g! a# c& a4 f[ human voice, from the outside ] It's strange, the characters I type do not
appear any more, the screen is frozen !
SHELL PROCESS: I'm dying ! Argh.
0 t) V. [- s& B9 f, tINIT PROCESS: Hmm, I feel strange, I feel very strange. I'm tired, I'm very
6 \4 u+ ^) R& @+ z$ a. Z( atired. Let's go to bed. BIOS, please put me on hibernation mode, and don't
wake me up before weapproach Alpha Centauri.
8 F3 e  h" k; Z( l8 |7 yUSER THIERRY: sfdqf [click] [plonk] [tluck]
[ human voice, from the outside ] I can't believe it, I'll have to press the
7 W! n5 I" P7 W6 P. i( mReset button again.
" z5 \; D7 G* j: A5 w% XBIOS: I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't let you do that.
$ f4 e" [# F( M3 p[ human voice ] What ? Who spoke there ? My name is not Dave. Let's press
- a! r  P$ q. c  Ythe button.
) s+ }$ I; D) Z7 A9 SBIOS: I'm sorry Sucker, I'm afraid I can't... err...
0 O) \! s6 T! |% p7 o" d7 wHmm... I'm waking up. Linux Loader, are you there ?
. a( \: E4 d6 s4 w(with an apology to Woody Allen, Stanley Kubrick and George Lucas).