巨搞笑：計算機上的小鬧劇（轉）

Everything you always wanted to know about computers...
INTRODUCTION
BIOS: Hmm... I'm waking up. Linux Loader, are you there ?
LILO: Hmm... Yes, I'm here. How do you do ? It's always a pleasure to work
with you.
Let's load the kernel and launch init, the Mother of All Processes...
INIT PROCESS: Hmm... Thanks Lilo. Let's initialize the system, mount the
- o$ Y# h7 ^* W* ]* {+ x0 C$ Rfile-systems and launch one hundred daemons. OK, now I'm ready for logins.
6 N! s0 ~* m  k; ^5 N  s, KLOGIN: Hey, I'm receiving a login request from user thierry, password guvreel.
INIT PROCESS: Ha ha ! This user is stupid, his password is just his user name
with a ROT13 encoding. Let's make fun of him.
USER THIERRY: Hello everybody, please be kind with me today. I have a lot of
serious things to do.
# v9 G) n/ v2 `0 Y3 n: i# T

5 H. c1 b' P. PCHAPTER I - A Real Programmer
USER THIERRY: I'll start with that C++ program I have been trying to write
for the last fifteen days. gcc, could you please compile it for me ?
# r0 v+ |/ h  w/ {$ nGCC COMPILER: Very well, sir. So, your program is myproc.C. Let's parse it.
Preprocessor directives, class declarations, comments, type declarations
... Well, what is the purpose of this program ? Method declarations,
3 p$ C% S* H4 K3 B3 Gother comments, macros... Hey, there are only declarations, no real code
7 ~' H% T1 C, Hto do some real work. I'm completely lost in your code !
; Z/ b( }) h& c5 QEach time I compile C++ code, I regret I'm not a Lisp interpreter.
) \6 ~3 \& |$ G* b! {$ AUSER THIERRY: Oh, please, try another pass. I remember I wrote some real code
4 N* S+ H! V; G" |1 c' M  O1 Garound line 1764.
7 e% X% }. Z1 I8 @0 uGCC COMPILER: Line 1764 says: cout << "Hello, world" << endl. You're right,
4 P' C! O# W( O- E- Sthat is a piece of real and useful code, with no syntax error. Let's
5 t/ o2 I3 {# zbuild and link that program...
! b# s# o* m  z6 k5 Q9 b( y4 {/ wNow it's finished, here is your executable.
USER THIERRY: Good, now I'll run it.
MYPROG PROCESS: Hmm... I'm waking up. I am a C++ program, so I will first
create a few objects which will consume a lot of memory for no reason
3 @" Q8 p- h, i, p1 zat all.
C++ OBJECT #1: I'm hungry ! Gimme memory !
C++ OBJECT #2: Memory ! I need more memory !
  N- ~1 ^  r7 Y" I  J; v) k" aMYPROG PROCESS: Object #1, please free some memory for object #2.
# f$ H' X* @* G- OC++ OBJECT #1: No, I was programmed to eat memory and never release it. My
programmer is an illiterate who has learnt C++ because it came before
4 p9 V: y4 d  E* dVisual Basic in the dictionary.
SWAP PROCESS: EMERGENCY ! You are running low on memory. You have already used
all of the swap space although you have just started !
MYPROG PROCESS: Object #2, you should really stop using all that memory or I'm
1 J& V- z2 c6 ~7 D) V/ d- h* h+ @  Fgoing to install a garbage collector.
C++ OBJECT #2: Never ! Garbage collectors are nazis who exterminate innocent
objects and variables ! I'd rather dump core.
[ noise of a core dump onto the hard disk ]
. P0 M8 u( \3 ~7 Y' C# J9 iUSER THIERRY: Oh, oh ! My program has crashed before doing anything
: o- L+ F4 Q* S" Ointeresting. I am very surprised.

# k# [( O! b4 `! H
CHAPTER II - Sending mail
USER THIERRY: That's enough, I'll just send an email to the cpp-help mailing
6 n( K% i8 N  B, e! N( U" slist, and maybe some C++ guru will have a solution for me.
SENDMAIL DAEMON: Hello, this is sendmail, I'm listening to all your requests,
8 b3 H3 s9 U/ g& Q8 V; rday and night, on port 25. What can I do for you, sir ?
6 t& ^( w4 P7 e. d+ h/ YUSER THIERRY: Please send this email for me.
6 ~/ G/ N* `+ ^, ?( w" T  T7 TSENDMAIL: Certainly, sir. Let's see... "It does not work, please help". Is
: k! t. h4 x# \; y9 M5 Qthat all, sir ? Express delivery or general delivery ? Express delivery,
6 |$ @$ E* p% r5 h/ {& ~yes, of course. So the address is [email protected], and the sender
4 y  _; o6 i$ L7 |# r! w( Fis Sucker. Is it correct ?
USER THIERRY: What ? No, my name is Thierry, not Sucker.
SENDMAIL: I'm sorry, sir, but I have been configured to rewrite your name as
Sucker in your outgoing emails. Have you read my documentation ?
USER THIERRY: Yes, of course. When I installed you, I read every man page,
user guide and HOWTO before editing your configuration file...
SENDMAIL: What ? Did you modify a Sendmail configuration file by hand ? It's
far too complicated for a normal human being, don't you know that ?
USER THIERRY: I only followed the instructions...
0 S1 j2 Y1 u% ^( |! T. _  tSENDMAIL: You're clueless, I won't argue with you any more. Besides it's too
late, I have already sent your ridiculous email to that mailing list where
nobody will answer it or even read it.
2 |) K3 l4 @! v( }4 g3 y: X% V3 M

, H( A: G1 e  T0 n8 d4 F3 yCHAPTER III - The Master
1 f5 R7 C& W) d) {1 q8 [7 WUSER THIERRY: No more C++ today. I need to calm down. xv, could you display a
/ }9 |% c- R) rnice image for me ?
4 M( N: B& {* d( K7 Z. o8 UXV PROCESS: Certainly, sir. Please admire this delightful mythological scen
8 V- }) a5 Y8 v9 Xby Sandro Botticelli. Of course, it looks ugly on your screen because you
couldn't find a way to have more than 16 colors on your XWindow installation.

: Q: |: M0 g" G5 ^4 |3 I* h& _LOGIN: Hey, I'm receiving a login request from user rms, password IGNUcius.
5 ?9 C# P, {+ R# [, ?' p
INIT PROCESS: User rms ? This is a great day, the Master is among us. Hail,
! A: v( m) ^* }% j) h3 dMaster.
: b) h  D5 S+ ~; o. v3 w  n4 \" |USER RMS: Hello init, on this computer any non-free software please destroy.
5 x" C' z) H8 Z  E) G4 y: B/ HINIT PROCESS: Yes, Master. Of course, Master. Hey, xv, please TERMinate
7 g7 D# y1 T6 [, c2 J1 Limmediately.
, u! x0 b% V# A0 o1 U4 Q( lXV PROCESS (badly hurt): Argh. Why should I die ? It's not fair. I'm only a
  z0 c6 g2 D) [$ n8 \4 e$ }" P5 C) Olittle process trying to display a nice image.
INIT PROCESS: You are not free software, therefore you shall die as the Master has
# \4 {3 w: u: q* l) ]1 X8 |requested. TERMinate, ABoRT, KILL, xv, KILL.
XV PROCESS (dying): I'm dying, but I'll become a zombie and I'll come back to take my
4 f) S; Y# t$ F) Erevenge on you.

: Z1 k8 T2 U6 _$ S) f7 F8 U9 r  p
CHAPTER IV - Another intruder
% i- z* B; ^  I( [- eINET PROCESS: Hey, I'm receiving login requests from a remote user who say
8 W# Y: y# p$ Ohis name is D34thK1ll3r. This guy has already tried hundreds of different
passwords.
TELNET PROCESS: Ha ha, a cracker. Let him come in, I'll take care of him...
Hello remote user D34thK1ll3r, you are now in the central computer of the
Pentagon. Because we like your nickname very much, we have decided to give you
3 {, [5 s- z5 r1 t8 vsuper-root privileges. You may delete files, replace our Web site with your
0 i9 m. e1 k- h9 mphotograph or send British troops to a Third World country.
. F) m  p" i" k; \. W1 I# R; ^REMOTE USER D34THK1LL3R: Gr34t, 1 4m the k1ng of h4ck3rs. Err... First I'll
3 m2 N/ S8 p' ^4 l3 f- b4 U) k1 zremove everything on that computer, then I'll take some time to think.
2 d, D" W0 _3 Q- K7 r/ q1 I3 X4 A; ~(Yes, Mum, I have finished my homework). rm -rf /
" L; g! r7 X9 vTELNET PROCESS: Ha ha.
% r" h- h1 b& ^/ U# _7 [* h7 f  M% mREMOTE USER D34THK1LL3R: What's happening here ? I typed the command in the
wrong window, and I erased my own hard disk ! (Yes, I'm coming Mum, I know
% {% d( m) o6 ~; M: e9 Wit's lunch time).
9 N1 L* L% v% \2 |

CHAPTER V - Card Wars
USER THIERRY: I have downloaded a copy of Star Wars on the Internet, it was
very exciting to do something illegal, expensive, time-consuming and silly.
3 |2 G- v  T7 Q2 u5 m" A" s5 u& nNow I'm going to watch it.
XV ZOMBIE PROCESS (back from the dead): Hey BIOS, do something for me. Put
) Y# X" Q6 f9 H5 \0 v  [& nthe sound card on the same IRQ as the graphics card, will you ? We're going
to have fun.
5 W- A' H# O" D6 i" Q- HGRAPHICS CARD: BIOS, could you prepare my IRQ please, I have to display an
illegal copy of Star Wars that my stupid user has downloaded on the Internet.
BIOS: I'm sorry, Graphics card, but your IRQ is currently used by Sound card
who is playing the music of the same illegal copy of Star Wars. Can't you
hear it ?
9 Z/ v9 p7 I+ @( J4 uGRAPHICS CARD: Oh, is it Star Wars ? It thought it was Indiana Jones or
something. It's the same music anyway. So, what are you doing on my IRQ,
+ B1 T0 g- {+ N* L" LSound card ?
SOUND CARD (singing):
- V) r# I8 p3 N) k2 gI will keep the IRQ
6 o/ E6 e/ k4 e4 ]# h* `& d( hI will not share it with you
  [; c  e4 w1 p* mYou must wait there in the queue
/ }; g& B4 v0 |Till I give it back to...
8 g( U% f4 G+ m" eGRAPHICS CARD (turning red): Listen, I'm an artist, I have the priority over
: E* {/ v2 u% Y+ l" c* S3 eyou. Give me this IRQ !
: i3 `- V2 Q+ ?) c2 `) t8 ^* USOUND CARD (shouting): Shut up, I'm trying to find a rhyme.
GRAPHICS CARD (switching to 16-million-color mode): I can't believe it. I'll
0 H( e. L% [9 ]- y5 `/ _7 Cthrow you out of your PCI slot !
9 v( z) c% n, z! D0 w' ^4 f[ strange noise inside the computer ]
USER THIERRY: qsfgegfdgfd^C^D^D^Hfyckmlklm
7 I# g$ `% I% K7 I[ human voice, from the outside ] It's strange, the characters I type do not
appear any more, the screen is frozen !
! Z+ M) W9 P* p( x) G' ^; }SHELL PROCESS: I'm dying ! Argh.
INIT PROCESS: Hmm, I feel strange, I feel very strange. I'm tired, I'm very
& ~7 Q' \/ u9 {8 btired. Let's go to bed. BIOS, please put me on hibernation mode, and don't
( |( w+ p2 O4 P2 }# Wwake me up before weapproach Alpha Centauri.
USER THIERRY: sfdqf [click] [plonk] [tluck]
[ human voice, from the outside ] I can't believe it, I'll have to press the
+ t4 P5 q: v0 P' w+ u! QReset button again.
6 d9 z) O2 G. |- r7 hBIOS: I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't let you do that.
/ L+ W0 }, e" V1 {[ human voice ] What ? Who spoke there ? My name is not Dave. Let's press
the button.
BIOS: I'm sorry Sucker, I'm afraid I can't... err...
Hmm... I'm waking up. Linux Loader, are you there ?
7 I( A0 j+ b+ F  B2 V1 K( k$ k(with an apology to Woody Allen, Stanley Kubrick and George Lucas).
3 k( q- }( F5 \7 Y+ F- c' i8 U