巨搞笑：計算機上的小鬧劇（轉）

Everything you always wanted to know about computers...
4 }. J! ^* S- E3 [1 {) a6 M1 VINTRODUCTION
BIOS: Hmm... I'm waking up. Linux Loader, are you there ?
& a+ k$ Y& \* B- QLILO: Hmm... Yes, I'm here. How do you do ? It's always a pleasure to work
4 ~$ u) Z1 c# x! H; e% Q7 o- }with you.
Let's load the kernel and launch init, the Mother of All Processes...
INIT PROCESS: Hmm... Thanks Lilo. Let's initialize the system, mount the
file-systems and launch one hundred daemons. OK, now I'm ready for logins.
LOGIN: Hey, I'm receiving a login request from user thierry, password guvreel.
7 I( V* H2 `' v) q3 d( pINIT PROCESS: Ha ha ! This user is stupid, his password is just his user name
2 D* U; i1 @$ t$ ?$ [& j: Xwith a ROT13 encoding. Let's make fun of him.
USER THIERRY: Hello everybody, please be kind with me today. I have a lot of
serious things to do.

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CHAPTER I - A Real Programmer
USER THIERRY: I'll start with that C++ program I have been trying to write
for the last fifteen days. gcc, could you please compile it for me ?
GCC COMPILER: Very well, sir. So, your program is myproc.C. Let's parse it.
Preprocessor directives, class declarations, comments, type declarations
... Well, what is the purpose of this program ? Method declarations,
other comments, macros... Hey, there are only declarations, no real code
& q" u0 o& i- ato do some real work. I'm completely lost in your code !
Each time I compile C++ code, I regret I'm not a Lisp interpreter.
+ E& y0 a1 ^! P& P$ T" qUSER THIERRY: Oh, please, try another pass. I remember I wrote some real code
( m/ L; \; W/ S* d' A7 O) e: H+ f8 daround line 1764.
GCC COMPILER: Line 1764 says: cout << "Hello, world" << endl. You're right,
8 |, `2 H7 n0 l1 X, g- G9 Athat is a piece of real and useful code, with no syntax error. Let's
2 S# `* ?/ ~1 k) y( ebuild and link that program...
Now it's finished, here is your executable.
2 h9 x4 O# `! K, t2 S2 _USER THIERRY: Good, now I'll run it.
MYPROG PROCESS: Hmm... I'm waking up. I am a C++ program, so I will first
- i0 W1 a+ O1 S2 K7 X7 M! C) r6 ocreate a few objects which will consume a lot of memory for no reason
at all.
C++ OBJECT #1: I'm hungry ! Gimme memory !
C++ OBJECT #2: Memory ! I need more memory !
+ J! n5 t/ N& G% y  Q; D" }# JMYPROG PROCESS: Object #1, please free some memory for object #2.
C++ OBJECT #1: No, I was programmed to eat memory and never release it. My
programmer is an illiterate who has learnt C++ because it came before
: ~& L# z3 d# {3 Z# v; v# ]Visual Basic in the dictionary.
  Z7 E+ _" h/ a" p8 ?- C) P; q! ASWAP PROCESS: EMERGENCY ! You are running low on memory. You have already used
* p; P! _1 J2 Q' }0 N' |+ V' oall of the swap space although you have just started !
MYPROG PROCESS: Object #2, you should really stop using all that memory or I'm
- n' X1 v  h+ M* e7 |$ cgoing to install a garbage collector.
C++ OBJECT #2: Never ! Garbage collectors are nazis who exterminate innocent
+ c% U+ y; q- n3 b7 Gobjects and variables ! I'd rather dump core.
0 s1 n. I7 ^2 A) q; D3 S( `8 y: g[ noise of a core dump onto the hard disk ]
USER THIERRY: Oh, oh ! My program has crashed before doing anything
, M( ^- V; j& w4 qinteresting. I am very surprised.


2 ~+ q" h3 l0 E6 @$ ]CHAPTER II - Sending mail
USER THIERRY: That's enough, I'll just send an email to the cpp-help mailing
list, and maybe some C++ guru will have a solution for me.
0 n1 l! n* }. b7 X4 U% `7 D8 W1 ?: T$ {SENDMAIL DAEMON: Hello, this is sendmail, I'm listening to all your requests,
day and night, on port 25. What can I do for you, sir ?
" @. M! X1 d& z9 \USER THIERRY: Please send this email for me.
SENDMAIL: Certainly, sir. Let's see... "It does not work, please help". Is
that all, sir ? Express delivery or general delivery ? Express delivery,
yes, of course. So the address is [email protected], and the sender
is Sucker. Is it correct ?
USER THIERRY: What ? No, my name is Thierry, not Sucker.
) _1 h* R" L0 u! YSENDMAIL: I'm sorry, sir, but I have been configured to rewrite your name as
9 W3 C2 Y- I  h( e$ [- JSucker in your outgoing emails. Have you read my documentation ?
USER THIERRY: Yes, of course. When I installed you, I read every man page,
+ ~* t! E$ D- {3 u; Luser guide and HOWTO before editing your configuration file...
; Q1 D9 K5 c  A; l. [SENDMAIL: What ? Did you modify a Sendmail configuration file by hand ? It's
% X4 ], w0 p7 A% V& pfar too complicated for a normal human being, don't you know that ?
USER THIERRY: I only followed the instructions...
) p5 M' Q' c6 }% \SENDMAIL: You're clueless, I won't argue with you any more. Besides it's too
late, I have already sent your ridiculous email to that mailing list where
3 U. H, W- U; N/ xnobody will answer it or even read it.
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* u* L% p8 r7 \9 o4 Y) i! lCHAPTER III - The Master
USER THIERRY: No more C++ today. I need to calm down. xv, could you display a
nice image for me ?
XV PROCESS: Certainly, sir. Please admire this delightful mythological scen
by Sandro Botticelli. Of course, it looks ugly on your screen because you
: s2 o4 ?2 {0 C4 J# P4 j8 kcouldn't find a way to have more than 16 colors on your XWindow installation.

+ a* Z$ _* a. C/ g5 j( j6 nLOGIN: Hey, I'm receiving a login request from user rms, password IGNUcius.
/ {. |& s2 ~- _6 D
* [$ e, I% v) f  ]INIT PROCESS: User rms ? This is a great day, the Master is among us. Hail,
Master.
USER RMS: Hello init, on this computer any non-free software please destroy.
; v: k; x( i7 i2 FINIT PROCESS: Yes, Master. Of course, Master. Hey, xv, please TERMinate
' s8 V& R+ R0 Y5 fimmediately.
XV PROCESS (badly hurt): Argh. Why should I die ? It's not fair. I'm only a
1 z+ ?# Q" E& Y; Z7 i/ e2 vlittle process trying to display a nice image.
( V4 ~5 x! ~# O3 r& v, F4 pINIT PROCESS: You are not free software, therefore you shall die as the Master has
# H5 _& n: D; Q4 |' qrequested. TERMinate, ABoRT, KILL, xv, KILL.
. E/ {3 u: L2 @XV PROCESS (dying): I'm dying, but I'll become a zombie and I'll come back to take my
! B1 c# C* x" {! t. m' B5 Urevenge on you.
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( l- ~: I! r0 bCHAPTER IV - Another intruder
INET PROCESS: Hey, I'm receiving login requests from a remote user who say
  X; p. _& [( ihis name is D34thK1ll3r. This guy has already tried hundreds of different
passwords.
8 I- b3 ?$ _+ ]/ L5 E$ VTELNET PROCESS: Ha ha, a cracker. Let him come in, I'll take care of him...
. \1 [2 u) Y9 z3 ?4 d6 ~; a1 D* `Hello remote user D34thK1ll3r, you are now in the central computer of the
/ l  [/ f: u' Q2 J9 `8 b+ @, uPentagon. Because we like your nickname very much, we have decided to give you
super-root privileges. You may delete files, replace our Web site with your
photograph or send British troops to a Third World country.
REMOTE USER D34THK1LL3R: Gr34t, 1 4m the k1ng of h4ck3rs. Err... First I'll
7 N% o4 {3 v2 o3 R! B/ gremove everything on that computer, then I'll take some time to think.
(Yes, Mum, I have finished my homework). rm -rf /
/ s6 R  z* g" H  w" K5 ?0 ~TELNET PROCESS: Ha ha.
REMOTE USER D34THK1LL3R: What's happening here ? I typed the command in the
wrong window, and I erased my own hard disk ! (Yes, I'm coming Mum, I know
8 u8 X" V& z. ^" F3 {3 ?. Git's lunch time).


CHAPTER V - Card Wars
USER THIERRY: I have downloaded a copy of Star Wars on the Internet, it was
very exciting to do something illegal, expensive, time-consuming and silly.
' D8 m- s. L7 v+ x- ]) h9 A: j; kNow I'm going to watch it.
& v8 {( U# V6 o$ VXV ZOMBIE PROCESS (back from the dead): Hey BIOS, do something for me. Put
the sound card on the same IRQ as the graphics card, will you ? We're going
to have fun.
GRAPHICS CARD: BIOS, could you prepare my IRQ please, I have to display an
illegal copy of Star Wars that my stupid user has downloaded on the Internet.
BIOS: I'm sorry, Graphics card, but your IRQ is currently used by Sound card
4 g# Q; c! a# swho is playing the music of the same illegal copy of Star Wars. Can't you
5 y( v' P4 y9 A& `! i" {2 Qhear it ?
3 @3 b4 x! q; O3 D$ h' PGRAPHICS CARD: Oh, is it Star Wars ? It thought it was Indiana Jones or
% I) o' k$ R, x# gsomething. It's the same music anyway. So, what are you doing on my IRQ,
; g7 o, Z4 h2 g4 i) QSound card ?
+ J0 Q( J7 s+ jSOUND CARD (singing):
I will keep the IRQ
I will not share it with you
* e" R2 Y9 |& G+ aYou must wait there in the queue
Till I give it back to...
) {9 |7 D% o$ p8 v# }. r- d/ Q  IGRAPHICS CARD (turning red): Listen, I'm an artist, I have the priority over
; d6 h; X: g0 m+ lyou. Give me this IRQ !
# i- d* V/ ^9 o7 E  F0 }$ TSOUND CARD (shouting): Shut up, I'm trying to find a rhyme.
" ^) ?1 D% X7 u6 \  W  B9 LGRAPHICS CARD (switching to 16-million-color mode): I can't believe it. I'll
throw you out of your PCI slot !
3 g3 F) B0 T  I- y+ q[ strange noise inside the computer ]
& `' Y7 ~5 B. @0 z& G: ^USER THIERRY: qsfgegfdgfd^C^D^D^Hfyckmlklm
[ human voice, from the outside ] It's strange, the characters I type do not
, p) D) @: c' ?9 B( [5 M* wappear any more, the screen is frozen !
2 u( S( Z- f0 CSHELL PROCESS: I'm dying ! Argh.
INIT PROCESS: Hmm, I feel strange, I feel very strange. I'm tired, I'm very
3 N9 u! R4 [* O9 }6 W1 N% Rtired. Let's go to bed. BIOS, please put me on hibernation mode, and don't
' ^. @% F$ Y; X$ y! z+ g% I5 }# {wake me up before weapproach Alpha Centauri.
USER THIERRY: sfdqf [click] [plonk] [tluck]
, B4 S) ^* G: b5 Q) [  s[ human voice, from the outside ] I can't believe it, I'll have to press the
Reset button again.
BIOS: I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't let you do that.
. N  A* P2 {) \# y! P+ A# t[ human voice ] What ? Who spoke there ? My name is not Dave. Let's press
( m2 t8 C. g% m7 E& Fthe button.
BIOS: I'm sorry Sucker, I'm afraid I can't... err...
4 A9 q6 l) D3 D. v4 SHmm... I'm waking up. Linux Loader, are you there ?
(with an apology to Woody Allen, Stanley Kubrick and George Lucas).