巨搞笑：計算機上的小鬧劇（轉）

Everything you always wanted to know about computers...
: c. F8 s4 n. {INTRODUCTION
BIOS: Hmm... I'm waking up. Linux Loader, are you there ?
LILO: Hmm... Yes, I'm here. How do you do ? It's always a pleasure to work
; G) R$ Z7 x* Fwith you.
Let's load the kernel and launch init, the Mother of All Processes...
INIT PROCESS: Hmm... Thanks Lilo. Let's initialize the system, mount the
3 U! W0 X6 Y" cfile-systems and launch one hundred daemons. OK, now I'm ready for logins.
( g( C; ]" g2 a7 }* w# s4 u! {' tLOGIN: Hey, I'm receiving a login request from user thierry, password guvreel.
+ Y$ e# M9 P9 m* D0 g9 sINIT PROCESS: Ha ha ! This user is stupid, his password is just his user name
7 S: ^3 n+ w; dwith a ROT13 encoding. Let's make fun of him.
6 \5 N5 ]7 l& o5 _3 P2 yUSER THIERRY: Hello everybody, please be kind with me today. I have a lot of
serious things to do.


. A1 f, X. `# }2 iCHAPTER I - A Real Programmer
% X( D' k' ~/ T. {* |! RUSER THIERRY: I'll start with that C++ program I have been trying to write
- b4 E1 H9 f! y( [for the last fifteen days. gcc, could you please compile it for me ?
GCC COMPILER: Very well, sir. So, your program is myproc.C. Let's parse it.
Preprocessor directives, class declarations, comments, type declarations
... Well, what is the purpose of this program ? Method declarations,
other comments, macros... Hey, there are only declarations, no real code
, q5 b5 k' T( p" d# X" p6 J1 yto do some real work. I'm completely lost in your code !
Each time I compile C++ code, I regret I'm not a Lisp interpreter.
USER THIERRY: Oh, please, try another pass. I remember I wrote some real code
around line 1764.
. _9 k% I3 _2 C' b; \. ~: NGCC COMPILER: Line 1764 says: cout << "Hello, world" << endl. You're right,
9 M3 F" w: N- u0 ?0 |that is a piece of real and useful code, with no syntax error. Let's
* `" S6 W* R, a2 Abuild and link that program...
Now it's finished, here is your executable.
USER THIERRY: Good, now I'll run it.
MYPROG PROCESS: Hmm... I'm waking up. I am a C++ program, so I will first
create a few objects which will consume a lot of memory for no reason
9 @/ `6 B$ X# ^% iat all.
5 G' {! h& M1 R5 J! n2 R# m+ H5 OC++ OBJECT #1: I'm hungry ! Gimme memory !
C++ OBJECT #2: Memory ! I need more memory !
MYPROG PROCESS: Object #1, please free some memory for object #2.
C++ OBJECT #1: No, I was programmed to eat memory and never release it. My
5 E$ B5 h% R9 f1 ^# k1 ?% D( [+ e& lprogrammer is an illiterate who has learnt C++ because it came before
Visual Basic in the dictionary.
& u  g1 t6 w. d1 k6 K0 aSWAP PROCESS: EMERGENCY ! You are running low on memory. You have already used
4 J: A3 m+ Y$ B$ ?5 G/ F, Aall of the swap space although you have just started !
MYPROG PROCESS: Object #2, you should really stop using all that memory or I'm
going to install a garbage collector.
C++ OBJECT #2: Never ! Garbage collectors are nazis who exterminate innocent
' P6 r3 x. ^/ G. }! k6 Q! `* Qobjects and variables ! I'd rather dump core.
5 y7 T" q5 g: @, O[ noise of a core dump onto the hard disk ]
3 P+ C7 w1 u3 F, ^USER THIERRY: Oh, oh ! My program has crashed before doing anything
interesting. I am very surprised.
& [0 ?& m! b. r+ @
2 w' j1 |7 c" n
CHAPTER II - Sending mail
0 t6 {5 \% Z$ _% w  k% wUSER THIERRY: That's enough, I'll just send an email to the cpp-help mailing
! Z- G0 S3 N) |  X  dlist, and maybe some C++ guru will have a solution for me.
" f8 `) g$ E. n6 u! U( jSENDMAIL DAEMON: Hello, this is sendmail, I'm listening to all your requests,
day and night, on port 25. What can I do for you, sir ?
USER THIERRY: Please send this email for me.
SENDMAIL: Certainly, sir. Let's see... "It does not work, please help". Is
# |3 J' Q2 ]+ T/ H( Uthat all, sir ? Express delivery or general delivery ? Express delivery,
yes, of course. So the address is [email protected], and the sender
4 P4 R0 H% w9 y0 F* G  Nis Sucker. Is it correct ?
! v6 a; V+ N2 V& eUSER THIERRY: What ? No, my name is Thierry, not Sucker.
SENDMAIL: I'm sorry, sir, but I have been configured to rewrite your name as
# J/ f" E0 N9 V% k+ n* `' nSucker in your outgoing emails. Have you read my documentation ?
9 v! }: W* Q5 ]& J* U& Q: IUSER THIERRY: Yes, of course. When I installed you, I read every man page,
( z& s( v' E1 D7 X8 w* J3 buser guide and HOWTO before editing your configuration file...
' ?% l$ |1 ~3 e+ R  L, OSENDMAIL: What ? Did you modify a Sendmail configuration file by hand ? It's
% w) {; Y# j9 j# Jfar too complicated for a normal human being, don't you know that ?
/ p( L" i: m( W% W! @3 i/ RUSER THIERRY: I only followed the instructions...
SENDMAIL: You're clueless, I won't argue with you any more. Besides it's too
late, I have already sent your ridiculous email to that mailing list where
+ d; \6 `8 L: M9 Y9 Knobody will answer it or even read it.
) |$ ?2 p; m# G+ K- D# m7 T: i

# _# B& g  w7 b+ m0 KCHAPTER III - The Master
& p2 H! a2 i$ r  R" cUSER THIERRY: No more C++ today. I need to calm down. xv, could you display a
nice image for me ?
4 c* E' v) n- i' G4 u1 qXV PROCESS: Certainly, sir. Please admire this delightful mythological scen
& M: [' Q+ |9 f9 V8 K) Eby Sandro Botticelli. Of course, it looks ugly on your screen because you
couldn't find a way to have more than 16 colors on your XWindow installation.
% {  S( ~* N% k7 t; }2 z- S2 n
, t( X7 f- g0 Q% r5 d* W$ ?  ]5 sLOGIN: Hey, I'm receiving a login request from user rms, password IGNUcius.
) X+ ~3 B; B% O! \5 A7 W
3 g: b5 Z7 F5 a* k4 YINIT PROCESS: User rms ? This is a great day, the Master is among us. Hail,
$ ?! c" J( a; m2 L- S  ^% B0 D7 |8 c$ HMaster.
( N& a0 ^' E' HUSER RMS: Hello init, on this computer any non-free software please destroy.
( g0 z; t: p% Q, LINIT PROCESS: Yes, Master. Of course, Master. Hey, xv, please TERMinate
7 a6 I0 F# z7 b9 g+ d- j0 iimmediately.
. K) t( `: L7 w  _& H1 KXV PROCESS (badly hurt): Argh. Why should I die ? It's not fair. I'm only a
" K# E: \) B3 w5 t# c# N4 _5 @little process trying to display a nice image.
INIT PROCESS: You are not free software, therefore you shall die as the Master has
requested. TERMinate, ABoRT, KILL, xv, KILL.
XV PROCESS (dying): I'm dying, but I'll become a zombie and I'll come back to take my
revenge on you.
1 @1 c- h  p; A4 |9 h9 J% x
! d6 r2 J3 U0 v# U+ k" Q
+ i" `$ s8 y& R' L& C9 g! GCHAPTER IV - Another intruder
! W( c5 i* |% s8 y/ [: u+ K) lINET PROCESS: Hey, I'm receiving login requests from a remote user who say
; U8 ^" L9 F9 `1 ]( xhis name is D34thK1ll3r. This guy has already tried hundreds of different
; s# g/ Z0 p' t/ f5 D' b( rpasswords.
& o' {! c1 M, N/ `TELNET PROCESS: Ha ha, a cracker. Let him come in, I'll take care of him...
Hello remote user D34thK1ll3r, you are now in the central computer of the
Pentagon. Because we like your nickname very much, we have decided to give you
super-root privileges. You may delete files, replace our Web site with your
photograph or send British troops to a Third World country.
4 k( M" B7 r* A4 zREMOTE USER D34THK1LL3R: Gr34t, 1 4m the k1ng of h4ck3rs. Err... First I'll
remove everything on that computer, then I'll take some time to think.
(Yes, Mum, I have finished my homework). rm -rf /
TELNET PROCESS: Ha ha.
REMOTE USER D34THK1LL3R: What's happening here ? I typed the command in the
wrong window, and I erased my own hard disk ! (Yes, I'm coming Mum, I know
, r8 w4 w0 z: a4 J' A: ~" lit's lunch time).
- h7 k- E( D0 D0 j/ s8 `/ ~
( A- ]6 [" W& F" F
CHAPTER V - Card Wars
USER THIERRY: I have downloaded a copy of Star Wars on the Internet, it was
very exciting to do something illegal, expensive, time-consuming and silly.
Now I'm going to watch it.
XV ZOMBIE PROCESS (back from the dead): Hey BIOS, do something for me. Put
! u2 `+ T/ m% [# J* a1 y! a, bthe sound card on the same IRQ as the graphics card, will you ? We're going
to have fun.
GRAPHICS CARD: BIOS, could you prepare my IRQ please, I have to display an
illegal copy of Star Wars that my stupid user has downloaded on the Internet.
  [1 x. V! T4 x. V5 T" ZBIOS: I'm sorry, Graphics card, but your IRQ is currently used by Sound card
who is playing the music of the same illegal copy of Star Wars. Can't you
hear it ?
% C- e$ B5 J6 o0 v9 L9 lGRAPHICS CARD: Oh, is it Star Wars ? It thought it was Indiana Jones or
/ A# D- ]3 Q" a( ]( w6 bsomething. It's the same music anyway. So, what are you doing on my IRQ,
# B2 T* ]: B1 O# b. u* oSound card ?
* R* C8 R+ }: C4 {! j+ ?( WSOUND CARD (singing):
" F1 ]: r8 P4 i! x/ E2 YI will keep the IRQ
I will not share it with you
You must wait there in the queue
Till I give it back to...
, C% G# d9 S+ yGRAPHICS CARD (turning red): Listen, I'm an artist, I have the priority over
you. Give me this IRQ !
7 p# K  u# I( ^) e* b$ eSOUND CARD (shouting): Shut up, I'm trying to find a rhyme.
GRAPHICS CARD (switching to 16-million-color mode): I can't believe it. I'll
throw you out of your PCI slot !
[ strange noise inside the computer ]
2 `& c) ?8 u6 v% RUSER THIERRY: qsfgegfdgfd^C^D^D^Hfyckmlklm
[ human voice, from the outside ] It's strange, the characters I type do not
# w3 X/ v4 R- Q& F) r/ u, zappear any more, the screen is frozen !
SHELL PROCESS: I'm dying ! Argh.
5 p3 p$ T/ X4 a* ^& jINIT PROCESS: Hmm, I feel strange, I feel very strange. I'm tired, I'm very
tired. Let's go to bed. BIOS, please put me on hibernation mode, and don't
wake me up before weapproach Alpha Centauri.
USER THIERRY: sfdqf [click] [plonk] [tluck]
[ human voice, from the outside ] I can't believe it, I'll have to press the
$ b3 G8 c+ v! p0 K" `( C! HReset button again.
$ U# A* \& r# o3 q1 PBIOS: I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't let you do that.
[ human voice ] What ? Who spoke there ? My name is not Dave. Let's press
/ r: `7 I# A; C) Ethe button.
1 V7 r) q3 N+ C) YBIOS: I'm sorry Sucker, I'm afraid I can't... err...
Hmm... I'm waking up. Linux Loader, are you there ?
(with an apology to Woody Allen, Stanley Kubrick and George Lucas).
  B4 l/ ~5 C" ]& M) }