巨搞笑：計算機上的小鬧劇（轉）

Everything you always wanted to know about computers...
INTRODUCTION
BIOS: Hmm... I'm waking up. Linux Loader, are you there ?
9 [1 w: y8 x  @: M) T5 H1 rLILO: Hmm... Yes, I'm here. How do you do ? It's always a pleasure to work
* y' Y9 f* w6 Z3 O7 ^( k/ E* kwith you.
Let's load the kernel and launch init, the Mother of All Processes...
  m+ b4 f) d. j9 m! g. s3 g( wINIT PROCESS: Hmm... Thanks Lilo. Let's initialize the system, mount the
file-systems and launch one hundred daemons. OK, now I'm ready for logins.
LOGIN: Hey, I'm receiving a login request from user thierry, password guvreel.
" C! Y9 a, y0 n! Q4 y. d5 ?- ^INIT PROCESS: Ha ha ! This user is stupid, his password is just his user name
3 ^+ ?4 z% f: z2 H# Ewith a ROT13 encoding. Let's make fun of him.
5 u8 p/ _7 @6 S  {' F9 R% WUSER THIERRY: Hello everybody, please be kind with me today. I have a lot of
serious things to do.
: L3 T6 s/ ~9 U- R$ B# Z: R  Y/ F

; r8 ^( {; z, f& nCHAPTER I - A Real Programmer
$ p( o# ~( h/ P4 KUSER THIERRY: I'll start with that C++ program I have been trying to write
7 L' J: |/ F/ ?for the last fifteen days. gcc, could you please compile it for me ?
' |! ?3 l' \6 f9 I! i# LGCC COMPILER: Very well, sir. So, your program is myproc.C. Let's parse it.
% N& b$ D* q4 ?( gPreprocessor directives, class declarations, comments, type declarations
: E  C5 f- l1 {( l% x- q... Well, what is the purpose of this program ? Method declarations,
other comments, macros... Hey, there are only declarations, no real code
to do some real work. I'm completely lost in your code !
Each time I compile C++ code, I regret I'm not a Lisp interpreter.
USER THIERRY: Oh, please, try another pass. I remember I wrote some real code
# T9 z5 a4 t' Y$ F, k1 Earound line 1764.
GCC COMPILER: Line 1764 says: cout << "Hello, world" << endl. You're right,
. b/ h" T. |( _2 @# q- y  }6 E) Dthat is a piece of real and useful code, with no syntax error. Let's
8 r7 ?/ H+ m' K) m) abuild and link that program...
+ S6 h* j8 R5 sNow it's finished, here is your executable.
3 ^' M* H' ^% G1 X$ K1 O/ hUSER THIERRY: Good, now I'll run it.
) h( s7 L0 W8 E; _9 p+ K+ kMYPROG PROCESS: Hmm... I'm waking up. I am a C++ program, so I will first
' {& Q( O3 c, ^+ ecreate a few objects which will consume a lot of memory for no reason
at all.
C++ OBJECT #1: I'm hungry ! Gimme memory !
C++ OBJECT #2: Memory ! I need more memory !
+ m) K- R* I) I, g  Z/ OMYPROG PROCESS: Object #1, please free some memory for object #2.
C++ OBJECT #1: No, I was programmed to eat memory and never release it. My
programmer is an illiterate who has learnt C++ because it came before
# k: K- c3 Q/ ]6 tVisual Basic in the dictionary.
* @# r' k6 @& D; Z4 p1 i  {/ _* OSWAP PROCESS: EMERGENCY ! You are running low on memory. You have already used
7 g+ x' M5 u( Y0 l- d/ ^  `all of the swap space although you have just started !
1 @; P7 F' k! hMYPROG PROCESS: Object #2, you should really stop using all that memory or I'm
going to install a garbage collector.
/ {( E! {7 J8 [: N2 a3 e5 ]5 ~* X; NC++ OBJECT #2: Never ! Garbage collectors are nazis who exterminate innocent
objects and variables ! I'd rather dump core.
0 R3 O( b. H+ U4 j# j9 R[ noise of a core dump onto the hard disk ]
USER THIERRY: Oh, oh ! My program has crashed before doing anything
interesting. I am very surprised.


: h$ H* e4 V1 G6 a1 X5 W8 N2 e  G7 {CHAPTER II - Sending mail
! e) z( @! f, X) L% F$ R- ~+ R+ b) O5 NUSER THIERRY: That's enough, I'll just send an email to the cpp-help mailing
list, and maybe some C++ guru will have a solution for me.
SENDMAIL DAEMON: Hello, this is sendmail, I'm listening to all your requests,
! }6 B( d/ `! eday and night, on port 25. What can I do for you, sir ?
USER THIERRY: Please send this email for me.
SENDMAIL: Certainly, sir. Let's see... "It does not work, please help". Is
that all, sir ? Express delivery or general delivery ? Express delivery,
! B, F5 R/ C6 P& K0 t8 ayes, of course. So the address is cpp-help@psy.doctor.com, and the sender
is Sucker. Is it correct ?
1 ?2 `" M& {/ R, A' D) K& ~6 uUSER THIERRY: What ? No, my name is Thierry, not Sucker.
SENDMAIL: I'm sorry, sir, but I have been configured to rewrite your name as
Sucker in your outgoing emails. Have you read my documentation ?
USER THIERRY: Yes, of course. When I installed you, I read every man page,
user guide and HOWTO before editing your configuration file...
8 Q4 Y' S3 q3 X3 k4 |SENDMAIL: What ? Did you modify a Sendmail configuration file by hand ? It's
far too complicated for a normal human being, don't you know that ?
& u. Q, `5 Z1 |+ _) lUSER THIERRY: I only followed the instructions...
SENDMAIL: You're clueless, I won't argue with you any more. Besides it's too
late, I have already sent your ridiculous email to that mailing list where
5 g3 s/ w  U/ o- m* \nobody will answer it or even read it.
( j  w0 a3 C/ T" X; b
% p7 B4 ~3 ~0 C2 W# R: ^( R
9 ]1 C6 |( K! Z/ K2 OCHAPTER III - The Master
& B5 N  q- A6 C, O/ [, e& R7 AUSER THIERRY: No more C++ today. I need to calm down. xv, could you display a
nice image for me ?
XV PROCESS: Certainly, sir. Please admire this delightful mythological scen
9 L- _! T! w! {; _4 s. l; ?" Jby Sandro Botticelli. Of course, it looks ugly on your screen because you
couldn't find a way to have more than 16 colors on your XWindow installation.
3 X2 \& C) \7 D5 Y
0 w: J+ `) a+ ^LOGIN: Hey, I'm receiving a login request from user rms, password IGNUcius.
6 {  A5 i. P- ~
INIT PROCESS: User rms ? This is a great day, the Master is among us. Hail,
Master.
+ F# {/ i- j* r9 K* EUSER RMS: Hello init, on this computer any non-free software please destroy.
) R& x/ I/ m6 S8 S0 aINIT PROCESS: Yes, Master. Of course, Master. Hey, xv, please TERMinate
immediately.
7 P( k( m8 i$ LXV PROCESS (badly hurt): Argh. Why should I die ? It's not fair. I'm only a
little process trying to display a nice image.
INIT PROCESS: You are not free software, therefore you shall die as the Master has
requested. TERMinate, ABoRT, KILL, xv, KILL.
XV PROCESS (dying): I'm dying, but I'll become a zombie and I'll come back to take my
revenge on you.

8 P+ \" V" B# o
+ }- J' |9 A' y: @8 |CHAPTER IV - Another intruder
INET PROCESS: Hey, I'm receiving login requests from a remote user who say
his name is D34thK1ll3r. This guy has already tried hundreds of different
' B) ^( ^- P7 m, p5 I  W; k. S- o/ Ipasswords.
TELNET PROCESS: Ha ha, a cracker. Let him come in, I'll take care of him...
* [. F: F2 S2 P' L# [Hello remote user D34thK1ll3r, you are now in the central computer of the
Pentagon. Because we like your nickname very much, we have decided to give you
super-root privileges. You may delete files, replace our Web site with your
; J: X( C& r) X4 v% fphotograph or send British troops to a Third World country.
8 t. }. c. m4 Z" X4 y% }0 oREMOTE USER D34THK1LL3R: Gr34t, 1 4m the k1ng of h4ck3rs. Err... First I'll
8 N' m" `6 ?; W. mremove everything on that computer, then I'll take some time to think.
& J/ G9 R5 k" V! s, N(Yes, Mum, I have finished my homework). rm -rf /
TELNET PROCESS: Ha ha.
REMOTE USER D34THK1LL3R: What's happening here ? I typed the command in the
wrong window, and I erased my own hard disk ! (Yes, I'm coming Mum, I know
it's lunch time).

* |5 m' X3 r. B$ U' M
CHAPTER V - Card Wars
USER THIERRY: I have downloaded a copy of Star Wars on the Internet, it was
/ ]& l: p4 G& }1 ]& o8 w  b* Bvery exciting to do something illegal, expensive, time-consuming and silly.
Now I'm going to watch it.
XV ZOMBIE PROCESS (back from the dead): Hey BIOS, do something for me. Put
the sound card on the same IRQ as the graphics card, will you ? We're going
! c' D. P0 @9 j3 dto have fun.
GRAPHICS CARD: BIOS, could you prepare my IRQ please, I have to display an
illegal copy of Star Wars that my stupid user has downloaded on the Internet.
BIOS: I'm sorry, Graphics card, but your IRQ is currently used by Sound card
who is playing the music of the same illegal copy of Star Wars. Can't you
2 Z8 D0 ^8 T0 s( [6 |hear it ?
GRAPHICS CARD: Oh, is it Star Wars ? It thought it was Indiana Jones or
something. It's the same music anyway. So, what are you doing on my IRQ,
Sound card ?
- K& f; Q! R" o+ @0 @SOUND CARD (singing):
I will keep the IRQ
I will not share it with you
8 x7 D) h6 A: R6 NYou must wait there in the queue
( I# p. r% Z& E+ Z7 c6 sTill I give it back to...
3 d) s& p4 v8 F! m/ g/ gGRAPHICS CARD (turning red): Listen, I'm an artist, I have the priority over
you. Give me this IRQ !
SOUND CARD (shouting): Shut up, I'm trying to find a rhyme.
GRAPHICS CARD (switching to 16-million-color mode): I can't believe it. I'll
6 \6 |& w5 \1 Nthrow you out of your PCI slot !
) k9 b% b9 Z; X$ ~1 g, G$ ^[ strange noise inside the computer ]
USER THIERRY: qsfgegfdgfd^C^D^D^Hfyckmlklm
8 t. F5 b$ H# J$ ]2 H[ human voice, from the outside ] It's strange, the characters I type do not
' v! K: V2 z4 w2 }, F4 tappear any more, the screen is frozen !
: H0 Q5 X' G9 n2 x/ CSHELL PROCESS: I'm dying ! Argh.
2 y1 Z, y9 \- C$ @) v! i. XINIT PROCESS: Hmm, I feel strange, I feel very strange. I'm tired, I'm very
tired. Let's go to bed. BIOS, please put me on hibernation mode, and don't
wake me up before weapproach Alpha Centauri.
USER THIERRY: sfdqf [click] [plonk] [tluck]
[ human voice, from the outside ] I can't believe it, I'll have to press the
Reset button again.
( \. p. o9 A- bBIOS: I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't let you do that.
8 k# @" w+ j6 b% c[ human voice ] What ? Who spoke there ? My name is not Dave. Let's press
the button.
BIOS: I'm sorry Sucker, I'm afraid I can't... err...
9 T; ?8 `; X% H! R4 EHmm... I'm waking up. Linux Loader, are you there ?
- ^7 t: i4 C  W6 Q) a1 C(with an apology to Woody Allen, Stanley Kubrick and George Lucas).